But, the inspiration idea has been a theme lately. I had a cancer scare a couple months back. We weren't sure if it was cancer, but we were sure that it was widespread. With the extensive and recent family history, this was pretty scary. I had to figure out how I did and would feel about it and how I would live and maybe die with it. I quickly realized that for me, I would want to have some fun working on a bucket list. But, I realized to that not only would that take money away from my girls, it would also take me away. If I was dying, I had an obligation to die the way I try to live. I try to lead by example. I don't as a man, and we don't as a family get everything right. I have regrets. But, I still try to lead and live as a Godly man. My wife and daughter need to see that lived out. And I need to live loving them and creating good memories.
I've seen so many people die. Some, I was close to, others I knew. A few others, I knew people that loved them. Even as Christians who believe in Heaven and eternity that will be spent there, grief still hurts. We can be excited that our loved ones have gone on to heave, but we need to also deal with our own loss and longing. Over the years, I've seen grief play out in some interesting ways. A number of years ago, a member of the Long Distance Riding community crashed during a high profile event and died hours later. He was well known and well loved. The problem was that he was found inexplicably, without a helmet. Immediately, the community forums exploded with, "How'd that happen?," "He always wears his helmet," "He knew helmets were required for the event!," and even one long angry letter. He had one friend who cared for him very deeply. This friend was devastated by the fact that he had been robbed of a dear friend, probably in large part due to the fact that his helmet was on the bike and not on his head. The language and invectives used in the letter were shocking for a letter to the recently deceased. But, the manner of the death focused the normal anger felt as part of the grieving process.
Shortly after the dust settled, I made some changes to my life to cut down on the reasons those who love me could have for being angry if I were to die suddenly. So, the cancer scare was a surprise and it forced me to think. But, the way I had to think was not something new to me. Recently though, I and some others that I respect have been forced to look not at dying but at living again.
Today, I am facing some health issues that will, if modern medical wisdom holds, be around for the remainder of my life and likely degrade over time. I have a friend who is a single mom that recently lost her own mom. She is busy about reinventing herself as a career woman and minister while trying to model for her own daughter how to live and while loving on her widowed father. What do we share? Other than some pain of very similar losses in our lives, we share the awareness that we have an audience. We realize that it is largely up to us to teach our children how to deal with loss and pain in their own lives through our example. That is the most obvious audience. We are also part of an audience for each other. We both have friends that we trust enough to let in, at least to a degree, to watch what we go through. But we also realize that there is the unexpected audience.
People watch us. They watch us every day. They watch how we treat our families. They watch how we carry ourselves in public. They just watch. I don't smile much. I'm not grouchy, I just don't smile much. At Christmas time I often wear a Santa hat in public. I am frequently stopped in stores and reminded that if I am going to wear the hat that I need to smile. These are complete strangers that tell me this. They are watching.
The people that know us are watching even more. I had a friend that was not only someone that I could turn to in a dark time, but also used his resources to save us considerable money during that time. After things started to turn around, I stopped to tell him how much he had meant to me. He said, "No, I'm the one that's blessed." He had watched how the wife and I had lived through our struggles and felt blessed by what he had witnessed.
A few years ago, a woman who worked with my wife was so impressed with the challenges we had to deal with that she called us Mr. and Mrs. Job. We didn't feel like we were anything or anyone special. We were just busy getting by. We didn't compare our lives to those of other folks. We didn't worry about the fairness of life. So, we don't even know if we were like Job.
Today as I think about how I feel physically, I am reminded that no matter how much this is indeed about me, it isn't about me. Nobody would fault me for being self absorbed. Nobody would criticize me for circling the wagons and blocking out the world in general. If that were my modus operandi, I would never be able to inspire others. Even those closest to me would probably not benefit from my love and leadership. So, I will try to live gracefully as I go. And if you see Job, let him know I was asknig about him.