As a counselor, I deal with lots of angst each week. I deal with people that are hurting and saying they want to love each other but they really have no idea how to make it come across. As I watch people I know and care about struggle to be decent and kind in our current age of divisive media, I can't help but see the similarities to all of the hurting couples that come to me for help. And I'm honestly convinced that the solutions to the divisiveness are the same. But, before I get to that, I want to refer to some other sources.
Shortly after the presidential election, I read an article by Riaz Patel. I'll link to it because it's that good. He had been on the Glenn Beck show and was referring to white voters and grouping them, us together based on our skin color. I believe Beck said that he used the term, "You people." Beck called him out and Patel was legitimately disturbed by that. So Patel, a Pakistani born, Gay, Muslim man started listening to conservative talk radio then travelled to Alaska to meet Trump supporters. What he learned was that they weren't who he thought they were. He learned that their concerns were legitimate and real. I encourage everyone to read the article he wrote immediately after the election.
Then shortly after that, I read an article in an online publication that I can only describe as angry liberal diatribes and propaganda. The intent of the article was to explain why the Trump win happened and why it was such a shock. He put the blame squarely on the shoulders of the liberal media and politicians. He said that nobody knew there were so many people out there that saw Trump as the solution to their problems. He went on to list some concerns of voters that voted for Trump and not one item on his list had anything to do with hate. He made an effort to understand the "other people" rather than just judge them for different opinions. That's pretty significant, but more telling was what he said the liberals had done wrong. He pointed out that any time someone questioned or dared to argue with what he called the liberal elite, they were shut down and told they were stupid or worse. He pointed out that after a while people get tired of being treated that way and keep their opinions to themselves. The side effect then was that all these people were silent about their concerns and needs. The liberal side could neither address the concerns or change the minds of all these voters because they had driven them underground.
Then most recently I saw a snippet where a gal said that the only way anything would change was if we listened to understand, not to reply.
They're all right. They all see people, not demons across from them. And this, as I mentioned is much like what I see and deal with when counseling. By the time a couple comes to me, they are usually pretty battered. They know they want to love each other but they don't remember what it feels like to be loved and maybe they don't even remember what it is to love. They hear anything and they immediately rebut.
So, here's a little tidbit of what I teach and it works. When the other person is speaking you listen only. You can ask questions for the sake of clarification. Then you must reiterate and go back and forth until the speaker says that you understand. Then and only then and only if both parties are calm do you reply with what you think. Then they do the same thing. This way, everybody gets validated and everybody learns something they didn't understand before. I teach an exercise to help with this as it can be ppretty hard to concentrate on technique when you're in the heat of the battle. But, it can be done. And, even if only one person plays along, it still helps.
Another key is to realize that what the other person is feeling or thinking isn't your problem nor does it really have anything to do with you. So there isn't much point in getting all worked up. Remember too that no matter what you think of their opinion or feeling, it's legitimate. I didn't say right or even rational. But it's what they are feeling. Would you want to feel hated? Then you can have compassion for them because that's how they feel. Start there and understanding will begin and sometimes we will even begin to agree.
So, here's the link to the article I mentioned above.
https://www.glennbeck.com/2016/11/10/what-a-gay-muslim-pakistani-american-immigrant-learned-traveling-to-rural-alaska-the-week-before-the-election-2/