But tonight, for whatever reason, I'm wide awake, suddenly, and have so many different thoughts swirling around. I'm hoping that if I get them down, they'll quiet down and I'll go back to sleep.
I woke from a dream where we were moving to go live where I could play with The Choir. They were always considered part of the "Alternative" music scene. But we saw them at our very first concert after we got married. And through the years that we tried to get pregnant, one of their songs was a blessing and a curse. I would listen to it in my car and bawl like a baby. I consider it to be the best "daddy-daughter" song ever. It's called, "When She Sees Me." It happens to be the song from which we got our daughter's first name. They know this as I've had contact with two different members of the band over recent years. I tried to quote them in my recent book, "How to be a Christian in Today's World: Shame or Fear of Failure vs, Living Confidently in God's Love". I say tried because I became very aware of the whole world of licensing and rights. But I remembered dancing with my young daughter to the song from which her mother and I picked her first name.
If it wouldn't wake my wife, I would go sit in the living room and blast the 25th anniversary edition of the LP that my daughter gave me a few Christmases ago.
But my mind doesn't ever just come to life from a dead sleep with only one train of thought.
I had for many years eidetic memory or commonly referred to as "photographic memory". I got through much of college by simply looking at textbook pages then skimming them in my head during tests for the answers. Eidetic memory is part of my theory that ID is not a constant as widely taught, but a variable that can change throughout your lifetime as you use your brain. I believe that your brain is much like a muscle that can be used and grow or allowed to atrophy.
My mother had a favorite party trick when I was a young teen. She would have me come into a crowded room, facing away from the room or with my eyes covered. Then someone in the room would call out an item. Then I would turn around and instantly the lights would be turned out. Then I would walk, in the dark, around people to grasp the item then go back and turn the lights on.
Between lack of use during my early married years and as an effect of my neurological disorder, I can no longer memorize anything (unless done through sheer repetition like normal people, and even then with extreme difficulty) and I have great trouble learning new skills, even things that I could do well just a few years ago.
My only fear as a young adult was that something would happen to my brain. Even the only sport I ever excelled at, darts, was a brain game for me. My father in law made the connection that anything that was a tool, whether a hammer or a golf club was extremely difficult for my brain to use while most "rules' like "you'll go where you look" didn't seem to apply to me. But being able to rapidly analyze and adjust what I just did, throwing a dart, made it so that I could do those physical tasks very well.
By the time I figured out that I could actually play quarterback for my favorite sport, football, my shoulders were out of shape and my knee surgeon said that if I played, he never wanted to see me again as one knee had no cartilage left.
Please don't take this as grousing. Seven years into being disabled, even though my body is completely unreliable and my brain is no longer the machine it once was, I am happier than ever. Tomorrow, or actually today, is Family Christmas Dinner. I'll have to finish up one dish and help my bride with another after the caregiver helps her get herself ready for the day.
And I am excited. Watching my bride get to enjoy giving her family a fabulous meal, even though her hands didn't prepare it, but her mind did, will be a real thrill. I am so grateful for a caregiver that enjoys cooking and loves learning from my beautiful bride! I am looking forward to watching my wife enjoy the gift she gets to give her family, even if her hands didn't do the work.
Soon, I hope to see her improve even as I continue to weaken. But, at the end of the day, we have each other and that is the greatest blessing of all.